Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Here I come Summer, curves and all

There were many days when I went on and on in my previous blog "Luna Around The Corner" about my body, and how uncomfortable I was in it.

Quite a few things have changed in the last few months since receiving treatment for my eating disorder, and some things haven't changed at all.
On Saturday I went to the beach with my friends. I'm not really fond of the beach. I like looking at it from a balcony and from a rock, but I don't like the sand and waves and swimsuits in public. It was a really hot day though, and I wanted to spend time with my friends.

About two months ago, while still in rehab, I made a pledge to myself that the next time I had to wear a swimsuit it would be a bikini. Now usually when I wear a bikini I wear shorts over it. My bum and thighs were my biggest (no pun hehehe) pain, and I HAD to cover them up.
On Saturday I took the plunge. No shorts, just me and my glorious thighs and bum. Being a woman of colour, I know it's time to embrace these curves because they are not going anywhere.
There is no way in hell that I can get that skinny caucasian body type with zero hips that I always desired. There's no way in hell that I can even get the skinny body I had gotten a few months ago through starvation; not without dying.

And of course I surprised myself. I walked around a packed beach with confidence. At times I even forgot what I was wearing.
Recovery isn't easy, I have bad days and awesome days and average days. But each day is a day I'm grateful for, grateful not to be controlled by the mad obsession that grips us all and makes us think we have "control".

I don't embrace my body everyday, but I'm damn proud that I did this day.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Knock knock, who's there, your Higher Power

I was born into a Christian family, and had a strong sense of beliefs from a very early age. A Higher Power greater than I, was stamped into me and I believed it emphatically, and still do. When I entered rehab I was introduced to the 12 Step Program, which places great emphasis on believing in a Higher Power and handing your will over to this Higher Power.

Many people struggle with this concept, not being able to believe in something that isn't concrete or based on fact. Not me. No, I thought I had this down. I had 23 years experience with my Higher Power and had no problems with that connection. There was no need for me to pay attention to Step 2 and 3, I could just breeze through it. I was proud; I proclaimed my faith loudly and wore it on my sleeve. But pride comes before fall.

Sitting here now, I remember clearly how I cried out to my Higher Power during my active addiction. Every night would be filled with tears and soul wrenching pleads for relief from the pain I was in. When no relief was afforded to me, I would find my relief in using. I thought I was alone. I thought my Higher Power could no longer hear me, that I was so far gone only I could hear my pityful screams. I couldn't understand why a Higher Power who had promised to always love me and always hear my cries for help and always carry me, would just let me drown in my daily pain. I bargained and played dare games. I tried to test Him, seeing if I would be saved at the 11th hour. I was.
This was when I had to take a good long look at myself. Was I really being ignored? Or was I just being self-willed. I questioned myself; why, if I am such a faithful Christian, do I not pray daily? Why, if I have such a good relationship with my Higher Power, do I not hear or feel His presence? There was only one answer, and I had known it all along deep down in the depths of my heart. I was lying to myself. I believed, but I had lost faith. I believed, but I had lost trust. I believed, but I had lost the humility to seek and follow guidance. What to do now? I felt like a lost puppy. I knew I still had my Higher Power that would never leave me, but I felt like we spoke different languages.

It all boils down to one thing: TOOLS
Recovery gave me tools, and my Higher Power gave me tools. It's about time time I start using them.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

Trust, Risk, Share

The last time I was here, it was all doom, gloom, weightloss, and boy issues. Now I'm back, same girl but a different point of view.

I've spent the last 3months in a treatment facility recovering from an eating disorder which nearly took everything from me. Going in, I was a broken sad excuse for a human being. Coming out, I had a light in my eyes and a hope in my chest that life was worth it all. It's been 2weeks since I've been out of rehab, and I'm back home with my parents. Life is NOT what I expected. I am not what I expected. Yes the light and hope is still there and all that jazz, but boy oh boy reality slapped me in the face like a woman scorned. I'm treading carefully around landmines and pits, and the balancing act threatens to throw me off the edge. I have my tools though, I'm fully loaded with all the equipment I need to soldier on.

So what have I learnt in 3months of treatment? It works if you work it.
What have I learnt in 2weeks at home? My recovery is my responsibilty.

I'm here to trust, risk and share.